Sunday, December 30, 2007
Combating the Inner Critic
Realistically, we aren't going to heal and go through the rest of our lives without a bad day. Money is going to get tight, the kids are going to act up, people are going to be rude, and your computer is going to crash. What do you do when life hits you hard and it seems like there is no relief in site?
We all have voices inside of us. One of them is, what my therapist calls, the inner critic. That is the one that tells you that you are worthless and that you can not do anything right. We also have a voice (or light) inside of us that knows that the world is not out to get us. The part of you that understands that you are not to blame for what others do or things that have been done to you.
Healing isn't about changing reality. It is about finding the voice inside of you that reinforces healthy thought patterns. For some of us that voice may be small and hard to find. For others that voice is easy to locate. The more that you strive to hear the good things your mind has to say the closer you will be to hearing that voice all the time.
When your inner critic starts to talk make a conscious effort to find your true voice. Look for the light inside of you. Breathe and listen to the positive things you already know about yourself. You don't have to believe them at first. Just look for them and repeat those positive things over and over until the inner critic gets a little quieter. Taking the time to nurture the light inside of you helps you to realize your potential and leads you toward living a joyful life.
Monday, December 17, 2007
What can I do to help?
The Finding Angela Shelton Challenge!
A big part of healing is breaking the silence. Often people say, "But I am just one person. No one listens to me. How is it possible that if I speak up I will make a difference?"
Every voice counts...and we need you to help.
Finding Angela Shelton is an escape route and a call to healing - so what if it got into the hands of all survivors?-- How do you get this book to 39 million people via a grassroots movement? We stand together. We unite our numbers and support each other until each and every survivor has been reached.
Tell all your friends on myspace to add her at: http://www.myspace.com/findingangelashelton. Check out the new website at: www.findingangelashelton.com. Then talk to your local rape crisis centers, high schools, colleges,radio stations and even police departments.
Most importantly, order the book! You can now do that here:
FINDING ANGELA SHELTON (click the title for link)
TOGETHER WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Self-Injury
Sometimes the internet sucks you in...the only way out, sometimes, is to share what you are finding by putting your thoughts and feelings in to writing.
I started out today trying to find a group/person that I had once heard about called the butterfly mission. It was/is (I have had no luck finding it so I don't know if it still exists) a tool to help self-injurers stop before they harm themselves.
The idea is to draw a butterfly on yourself with a permanent marker. Then try not to hurt the butterfly.
Well, in the process of searching around I found some positive discussion/quotes, and a few new websites to help those who struggle with self-injury.
Here are the web addresses:
http://crystal.palace.net/~llama/selfinjury/
http://www.selfharmony.co.uk/
http://www.recoveryourlife.com/
Then I read this quote from a member of a group on facebook...
"We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, students, and business owners. We have depression, DID, PTSD, eating disorders, borderline personalities, bipolar disorder, or maybe no formal diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some were not. We are straight, bi, and gay. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every single race or religion that you can possibly think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks."
**a special note to partners** You have no control over if your partner self-injures or not....do like the Martina McBride song says....love them anyway....Here is a link with some advice for partners: http://partners.aest.org.uk/how_to_help_those_who_self_harm.html
**a special note to those who were/are self-injurers** Give yourself a big hug...you are precious and more importantly...you are not alone
I started out today trying to find a group/person that I had once heard about called the butterfly mission. It was/is (I have had no luck finding it so I don't know if it still exists) a tool to help self-injurers stop before they harm themselves.
The idea is to draw a butterfly on yourself with a permanent marker. Then try not to hurt the butterfly.
Well, in the process of searching around I found some positive discussion/quotes, and a few new websites to help those who struggle with self-injury.
Here are the web addresses:
http://crystal.palace.net/~llama/selfinjury/
http://www.selfharmony.co.uk/
http://www.recoveryourlife.com/
Then I read this quote from a member of a group on facebook...
"We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, students, and business owners. We have depression, DID, PTSD, eating disorders, borderline personalities, bipolar disorder, or maybe no formal diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some were not. We are straight, bi, and gay. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every single race or religion that you can possibly think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks."
**a special note to partners** You have no control over if your partner self-injures or not....do like the Martina McBride song says....love them anyway....Here is a link with some advice for partners: http://partners.aest.org.uk/how_to_help_those_who_self_harm.html
**a special note to those who were/are self-injurers** Give yourself a big hug...you are precious and more importantly...you are not alone
Survivor Manual
Hello all! I am now a contributer on the Survivor Manual...everyone check it out at:
http://survivormanual.blogspot.com/
Everything I post here will also be posted there. But these people have so much to share. So, spread the word! Together we can heal the world!
Also, check out the movie Searching for Angela Shelton!
http://store.searchingforangelasheltonstore.com/0019.html
Use the coupon code -survivor-; for free shipping for a limited time. --Take care of yourselves!
http://survivormanual.blogspot.com/
Everything I post here will also be posted there. But these people have so much to share. So, spread the word! Together we can heal the world!
Also, check out the movie Searching for Angela Shelton!
http://store.searchingforangelasheltonstore.com/0019.html
Use the coupon code -survivor-; for free shipping for a limited time. --Take care of yourselves!
Nightmares
Nightmares by definition are scary. It is much worse if you are confronting painful things from your past within your dreams. Nightmares are equally as frightening if you are a partner of a survivor watching your loved one suffer. I remember one sleepless night that I ended up in tears because I couldn't wake my partner from what seemed to be an awful nightmare. I felt helpless.
Almost all survivors will have nightmares while healing. In fact, the nightmares will probably go away and come back many times. Typically, they will become the most extreme when they are dealing with self-blame or any sort of inner child work. There are some things that you can do to help or that you can mention to your partner so they can help themselves.
Encourage your partner to go to bed when they are sleepy. Laying awake for hours before sleeping will not be relaxing especially if they stay up alone.
Leaving a light on in the bedroom will help remind them where they are when they wake up.
Avoid bulky bedding or anything that causes static electricity.
Drinking warm milk or cocoa before bed is relaxing. Of course, avoiding caffeine is helpful.
Keeping the house cooler reduces how active the brain is during sleeping. ( This was the most helpful thing that I have ever been able to contribute)
Soothing music helps if it is played at a low volume. Be careful not to leave a radio station on that eventually switches to news programs. This can be a trigger for some survivors. White noise such as a fan is also an option.
Sleeping with a stuffed animal helps a lot of survivors. This goes back to comforting the inner child. If your partner is thinking of getting a stuffed animal don't laugh or judge them. Often this can be just the thing that turns sleepless nights full of worry into a full nights rest.
Some survivors are able to talk about what they dreamt after they are awake. If your partner shares this with you...just listen. Talking about them takes away their power. You ARE helping just by listening.
Almost all survivors will have nightmares while healing. In fact, the nightmares will probably go away and come back many times. Typically, they will become the most extreme when they are dealing with self-blame or any sort of inner child work. There are some things that you can do to help or that you can mention to your partner so they can help themselves.
Encourage your partner to go to bed when they are sleepy. Laying awake for hours before sleeping will not be relaxing especially if they stay up alone.
Leaving a light on in the bedroom will help remind them where they are when they wake up.
Avoid bulky bedding or anything that causes static electricity.
Drinking warm milk or cocoa before bed is relaxing. Of course, avoiding caffeine is helpful.
Keeping the house cooler reduces how active the brain is during sleeping. ( This was the most helpful thing that I have ever been able to contribute)
Soothing music helps if it is played at a low volume. Be careful not to leave a radio station on that eventually switches to news programs. This can be a trigger for some survivors. White noise such as a fan is also an option.
Sleeping with a stuffed animal helps a lot of survivors. This goes back to comforting the inner child. If your partner is thinking of getting a stuffed animal don't laugh or judge them. Often this can be just the thing that turns sleepless nights full of worry into a full nights rest.
Some survivors are able to talk about what they dreamt after they are awake. If your partner shares this with you...just listen. Talking about them takes away their power. You ARE helping just by listening.
How can I help my survivor partner the best?
The best thing you can do for your partner is to take care of yourself. This holds true throughout the entire healing process. Often when I tell people this they say, “But I want to do something?” The fact of the matter is you cannot fix your partner. You are not helping them by trying to do everything for them or by trying to remove the triggers they may encounter in any given day. Remember the quickest way to get better is to go through the pain. By removing painful things from their path you are deterring their healing.
This does not mean that you have to sit on the sidelines and watch as the person you love walks through dark times. Here are some things that you can do to help:
· Educate yourself about rape and child sexual abuse. The more you know the better you will be able to support your partner. There are different stages of healing survivors face. It isn’t uncommon for survivors to get through one stage just to go back into again later. If you have information about what is happening within your home you will be better equipped to deal with it. A good jumping off point is the book Allies in Healing by Laura Davis. It has a wealth of information that you can refer back to at any given time.
· Communication is an important part of supporting a survivor. It is important that you talk to your partner and find out what they need from you. At this time you may want to come up with a plan for what to do when they are in crisis. Their needs will change from time to time. Keeping the lines of communication open will allow you to be a part of their healing process. However, give yourself a break if you are not able to meet their needs all the time. Life happens and learning to roll with the punches will allow you and your partner to create a better partnership.
· It is imperative you listen while communicating. You contribute to survivors’ fears by giving advice or telling a survivor that they shouldn’t feel a certain way. Survivors need to be heard. Their voices have been silenced. They are finding those voices through healing. You validate their feelings and allow them to be heard simply by listening. Often, that is all they need.
· Equally as important is that you also state your own needs. Survivors often need to feel in control of their surroundings. You can avoid confusion later giving your partner a clear understanding of what is expected of them. This also allows your partner to be responsible for themselves which builds self-confidence.
· You are not the only one who feels like your life has turned upside down. It gets better. Time and patience are the keys to your sanity. Try not to take things that your partner is doing or saying personally. More often than not you aren't why they are angry, sad, confused or embarrassed. Give them a little space and forgiveness and you will soon find out what was really going on.
· Get involved. This will help you to feel proactive. The fact is there is an epidemic among us and the only way to see change is to stand together and fight.
This does not mean that you have to sit on the sidelines and watch as the person you love walks through dark times. Here are some things that you can do to help:
· Educate yourself about rape and child sexual abuse. The more you know the better you will be able to support your partner. There are different stages of healing survivors face. It isn’t uncommon for survivors to get through one stage just to go back into again later. If you have information about what is happening within your home you will be better equipped to deal with it. A good jumping off point is the book Allies in Healing by Laura Davis. It has a wealth of information that you can refer back to at any given time.
· Communication is an important part of supporting a survivor. It is important that you talk to your partner and find out what they need from you. At this time you may want to come up with a plan for what to do when they are in crisis. Their needs will change from time to time. Keeping the lines of communication open will allow you to be a part of their healing process. However, give yourself a break if you are not able to meet their needs all the time. Life happens and learning to roll with the punches will allow you and your partner to create a better partnership.
· It is imperative you listen while communicating. You contribute to survivors’ fears by giving advice or telling a survivor that they shouldn’t feel a certain way. Survivors need to be heard. Their voices have been silenced. They are finding those voices through healing. You validate their feelings and allow them to be heard simply by listening. Often, that is all they need.
· Equally as important is that you also state your own needs. Survivors often need to feel in control of their surroundings. You can avoid confusion later giving your partner a clear understanding of what is expected of them. This also allows your partner to be responsible for themselves which builds self-confidence.
· You are not the only one who feels like your life has turned upside down. It gets better. Time and patience are the keys to your sanity. Try not to take things that your partner is doing or saying personally. More often than not you aren't why they are angry, sad, confused or embarrassed. Give them a little space and forgiveness and you will soon find out what was really going on.
· Get involved. This will help you to feel proactive. The fact is there is an epidemic among us and the only way to see change is to stand together and fight.
Just a few things...
Here are a few things that I always tell partner of survivors:
1. Disclosure~is not your (the partner's) business. If, when and how the survivor discloses their abuse is up to them. (this might be especially hard if the abuser was a family member that you or your partner are still in contact with) But control is something that survivors need to have. They lived in a hell for so long where control was far from in their hands.
2. Sex~ while starting and going through the healing process sex will be hard for most survivors. This is another area they need to have control of. They may choose to abstain for a while. Support them in whatever decision they make about this. Some survivors can be healing but still exhibiting unhealthy cycles of their abuse in the bedroom...(if you are sexually active) try and keep them grounded during sex. A talk about the best way to do that should be done outside of the bedroom....(more on this later...)
3. The absolutely most important thing you can do for your partner is take care of yourself. You are not helping them by trying to do everything for them or by trying to remove the triggers they may encounter in any given day. Remember the quickest way to get better is to go through the pain. By removing painful things from their path you are detering their healing.
-remember to breathe(I know this sounds silly...but during stressful times, it is the first thing that people forget to do.
-make sure that you are getting enough sleep and make sure you are eating. Proper eating and sleeping habits will go a long way towards helping you being able to give back to your partner. You can't give away something you don't have to give.
-take time away from the house to get yourself regrounded. Some idea of what to do might be join a book club. Join the gym or simply go for a walk. Talk an art or cooking class that you have always wanted to try.
-it might be a good idea to get in therapy....you might find that issues you might have ignored in the past keep coming up...therapy can help
4. Educate yourself about rape and child sexual abuse. The more you know the better you will be able to support your partner.(look under books to find books that are specifically for partners of survivors)
5. It is not up to you to punish the abuser. If your partner choses to report the abuse that is their business. I know that you are angry. After all, the abuse doesn't just effect the survivor. It effect you to.....it has probably turned your once "perfect" life upside down. Do something productive with that anger....but by no means should you confront the abuser or even those that neglected to care for your partner. (if you do this....it is possible you will alienate your partner from you)
6. Try not to take things that your partner is doing or saying personally. More often than not you aren't why they are angry, sad, confused or embarrassed. Give them a little space and forgiveness and you will soon find out what was really going on.
1. Disclosure~is not your (the partner's) business. If, when and how the survivor discloses their abuse is up to them. (this might be especially hard if the abuser was a family member that you or your partner are still in contact with) But control is something that survivors need to have. They lived in a hell for so long where control was far from in their hands.
2. Sex~ while starting and going through the healing process sex will be hard for most survivors. This is another area they need to have control of. They may choose to abstain for a while. Support them in whatever decision they make about this. Some survivors can be healing but still exhibiting unhealthy cycles of their abuse in the bedroom...(if you are sexually active) try and keep them grounded during sex. A talk about the best way to do that should be done outside of the bedroom....(more on this later...)
3. The absolutely most important thing you can do for your partner is take care of yourself. You are not helping them by trying to do everything for them or by trying to remove the triggers they may encounter in any given day. Remember the quickest way to get better is to go through the pain. By removing painful things from their path you are detering their healing.
-remember to breathe(I know this sounds silly...but during stressful times, it is the first thing that people forget to do.
-make sure that you are getting enough sleep and make sure you are eating. Proper eating and sleeping habits will go a long way towards helping you being able to give back to your partner. You can't give away something you don't have to give.
-take time away from the house to get yourself regrounded. Some idea of what to do might be join a book club. Join the gym or simply go for a walk. Talk an art or cooking class that you have always wanted to try.
-it might be a good idea to get in therapy....you might find that issues you might have ignored in the past keep coming up...therapy can help
4. Educate yourself about rape and child sexual abuse. The more you know the better you will be able to support your partner.(look under books to find books that are specifically for partners of survivors)
5. It is not up to you to punish the abuser. If your partner choses to report the abuse that is their business. I know that you are angry. After all, the abuse doesn't just effect the survivor. It effect you to.....it has probably turned your once "perfect" life upside down. Do something productive with that anger....but by no means should you confront the abuser or even those that neglected to care for your partner. (if you do this....it is possible you will alienate your partner from you)
6. Try not to take things that your partner is doing or saying personally. More often than not you aren't why they are angry, sad, confused or embarrassed. Give them a little space and forgiveness and you will soon find out what was really going on.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
